Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - October 2003

The following articles from the October 2003 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

The telephone rang one day while I was at work and I answered it in the proper business manner.  I was ready to deal with whatever the customer had on his or her mind--only this wasn't the typical business call.  It was my husband's best friend and he was calling to inform me of a tragic accident.      My husband had fallen from a roof and hit his head on the concrete where he landed.  I immediately put my Al-Anon program to use and said the Serenity Prayer over and over--to "accept the things I cannot change."      Many times during my years in the Al-Anon program I've had to accept that there were people or things in my life I could not change.  This was certainly one of those times.  The fall happened.  It could not be changed.  The doctor performed the surgery and did what he could.  There was nothing I could do, just as there was nothing I could do when the alcoholic in my life chose to use alcohol.  I had to "Let Go and Let God."  I could not change either my husband's coma or the eventual outcome of his condition.      One month later the serenity prayer helped me accept my husband's death.  I am thankful for 13 and a half years of sobriety that we had in our home.  Life continues after the death of a loved one.  I continue to use the Al-Anon program and the Serenity Prayer daily.      A few years ago on Thanksgiving I entertained my family and after everyone left I was feeling somewhat down and alone.  As I said my prayers that evening, I shared my loneliness with God, who is my Higher Power.  I told Him I was feeling so alone and I thought I might be ready to share my life with someone.  I also told Him I'd be open to the idea of a chance meeting.      Shortly after I finished my prayers Timmy, my kitten, jumped onto the bed.  He was soon kneading his little paws on my chest, purring loudly enough to be heard in the next room.  Soon he was giving me little kitten licks on my chin.  After a minute or two, he settled down right next to me.      I chuckled to myself and told God He certainly had a sense of humor.  I explained I was thinking of a partner with two legs, and He gave me one with four.  Again, I had to accept what I cannot change and change the things I can.  For today that means sharing my home with a couple of cats, and not with a man.

Since doing my Fifth Step, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs," I have heard many Al-Anon members say the same words.  They said, "She loved me anyway, even after I told her the exact nature of my wrongs."      After spending my life being whatever I thought the people around me wanted me to be, I was sure the real me would be rejected if anyone really knew her.  I never tried it out, but I'd experienced plenty of rejection and didn't think I could handle any more.      So, after several years in the program and much trepidition, I asked my Sponsor to listen to some of the things I'd written about myself when I "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves," in my Fourth Step.  I was doing the Steps piecemeal and had been giving her a few samples of my experience whenever we got together.  This time I described the behaviors that gave me the most shame and I cringed as I waited for her response.  She'd told me many times before, "You're not all that good at being all that bad," and that was the first thing I heard when I finished.  My Sponosor reminded me of some of the parts of her own story that wouldn't have fit any "Goody Two-Shoes."  With her gentle laugh, she assured me that I'd done the best I could with what I had at the time.      My relief was great.  I hadn't been rejected--I'd been loved!  This must be an example of the unconditional love I'd heard about around the tables at Al-Anon meetings.  I thought I might just reveal the rest of my secrets if this is what would happen.      As I look back on that Fifth Step and subsequent ones, I see I was receiving examples of healthy ways to relate to people.  I can just listen when someone shares joy, grief, shame, or confusion.  I can relay my acceptance and perhaps help someone accept the circumstances of a situation.  Perhaps I can help someone else accept herself.  I can love as I have been loved.  Such interactions are bound to be contagious.

After six months in the Al-Anon program, I began to experience some serenity and peace in my life.  Even so, I occasionally slipped back into old behaviors.  On one such occasion I engaged in a rather heated argument with my husband, who was the active alcoholic in my life at the time.      I can't recall the reason we were arguing but I do remember thinking, "See?  I don't need Al-Anon.  It hasn't helped at all--because look at us.  We're still fighting like cats and dogs."  Finally at one point I verbalized my feelings to my husband.  He became very quiet and calm.  He looked directly in my eyes and stated, "Well, dear, I don't think we can remain married if you don't have your program.  I won't go back to the way things were before."      I was stunned into silence.  Here the active drinker was telling me I needed Al-Anon!  At first I was rather indignant, pointing out that he didn't have a program--so who was he to talk.      I promptly called my Sponsor, expecting to get a sympathetic ear.  I thought I'd hear her laugh at my husband's crazy statement.  To my surprise she stated very calmly, "It sounds like Al-Anon really is the right place for you."      It has taken time for me to believe this, but today I know I've finally found a saner way to live.  I also realize I have a part in this disease and when I work a program, my husband and others notice.  I guess I must have been pretty sick because it was the alcoholic who gave me the ultimatum--to work the program or he'd leave.  Imagine that!