Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - August 2008

The following articles from the August 2008 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

Being a highly-trained mental health professional, I am well aware that loss comes in many forms other than death-loss of a childhood, a job, or a dream. I've helped many people work through their losses by getting them to understand that grief is a process-a slow but methodical process. Now it's my turn. I'm grieving the loss of my son to drugs and alcohol. It wasn't supposed to happen in my family, not to my child. Both my husband and I are Master's level helping professionals; we'd spent years working with homeless alcoholics. Our children grew up seeing the ill effects of drugs and alcohol. Plus, we talked to our kids about drugs and alcohol. We did all the "just say no" stuff. We were a little surprised when our son first showed up stoned, but we knew what to do. When he was expelled from school for having drugs on campus, we knew what to do. When he tried to commit suicide after several days of drinking and using cocaine, we knew what to do. What a surprise it was when nothing we tried seemed to make any difference in our son's drinking or drug use. I was completely convinced that all I had to do was say the right things; get my son to the right therapist, the right treatment program; and he would see the light and stop. I tried for nearly five years. I tried to control where he went, who he was with, and everything else I could think of to get him to stop. When I started looking for the right curve in the road that would send me to certain death as I drove over a cliff, I began to think I just might need to give up fixing my son and focus on me. The idea of giving up on my son was unfathomable, but I had to accept that I wasn't omnipotent. I had to let go of the dreams, hopes, and plans I had for my son. I had to accept that he had a disease that he-and only he-could fix and a disease he cannot get over, only from which he can recover. I had to give up getting my husband to do the right things and to accept that our son had become an addict and an alcoholic. I took a leave of absence from work because I was too depressed to get up, let alone get dressed and drive to work. I gave up on keeping the house clean, the dishes done, the meals cooked. All I could do was agonize over what my son had become and how little I could do. Needless to say, I walked into an Al-Anon meeting, like many others, because I was in so much pain. I did not know what to do with this kind of pain-pain that sucked the breath out of me. Nor did I know how to stop the worrying or the uncontrollable onslaught of gut-wrenching sobbing. What I found in that Al-Anon meeting was a place where the hurt I felt could be expressed and-more importantly-understood. Everyone there knew what I was feeling. I could cry and feel, and would not be pitied but supported. I heard others say they had been exactly where I was. I couldn't talk to my very good network of friends outside of meetings because they either felt contempt and hatred for my son for hurting his dad, his sister, and me, or they would take on the sadness and pain I was feeling. The Al-Anon folks had this ability to distance themselves from my pain. I also found a sense of safety in Al-Anon meetings. Meetings were the only place I could get any relief. For an hour each day I could be grounded and somewhat sane. I'm still grieving, but the despair is gone. I have turned my son over to God, knowing that I haven't lost my son, just given him to a Higher Power. I'm working on believing that a Power greater than me can restore my sanity. My brain gets it; it just has to filter into my heart.

I came to Al-Anon Family Groups at the suggestion of my ex-boyfriend, a recovering alcoholic. Our relationship was rocky, and I blamed him for it. I wanted him to change to make me happy, but I was unsuccessful at changing him no matter how hard I tried. His recovery and program were a priority in his life and I didn't understand it. Our relationship was lacking some of the fundamental elements I desperately needed. Although I was ready to dissolve my relationship with my boyfriend when I first came to Al-Anon, I took members' suggestion to wait six months before making such a decision. I was told that after a few months of recovery, my perspective, attitudes, and reactions would change and give me the tools to make a better decision. I began working the Al-Anon program. During the first few months, I attended several meetings a week, found a Sponsor, took service commitments within the groups, read the literature, and kept in touch with members on the phone. It didn't take long for me to recognize my part in the dysfunctional relationship. I became aware that my needs and behavior patterns were a result of having been deeply affected by alcoholism: I was once engaged to an active alcoholic but never recovered from that relationship. I also became aware that the disease ran in my family. Slowly, my relationship with my boyfriend seemed to be getting better because I stopped trying to force my will on him. I stopped reacting. It wasn't easy, but with the help and encouragement of my Sponsor and other Al-Anon members, I began to focus on myself instead of him. As I got better, I slowly began to discover that the only person who can make me happy is me. I began to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I reconnected with my Higher Power. A point came in our relationship where I felt that "this is as good as it gets," but I still wanted more. Because of his alcoholism, I accepted that he simply didn't have it to give. I didn't know what to do. I loved him and wanted him in my life, but was miserable. My emotional needs weren't met, and our life together was without a future. Furthermore, he completely depended on me; I knew I was enabling him, but I didn't know how to stop being the caretaker. Realizing my powerlessness, I turned the situation over to my Higher Power. I surrendered. It was the only thing I could do. It was an overwhelming feeling. I trusted my Higher Power, who guided me in the next few months. He helped me find a way to break my unhealthy patterns, remain friends with my ex-boyfriend, and be free to move on with my life. I felt as if I was being carried by a Power greater than myself, and I wasn't devastated as I feared I would be. Today, my ex-boyfriend and I are still very close. Without me pushing, interfering, enabling, and controlling, he is able to work his own program better, take care of himself, and live his own life. We managed to keep what was good between us and let go of the bad. For that I will be forever grateful. The best compliment I get is when my ex tells me how proud he is of me for how I work the program. I have been in Al-Anon 16 months now. I attend four meetings a week, diligently work the Steps, read the literature daily, work with my Sponsor, and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. I also sponsor others and work at the Information Service Office. I often speak at other meetings and try to give back what Al-Anon has given me: a new chance on relationships. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship that is very healthy. As a result of working the Steps, I was also able to put the past behind me, forgive, and let go of old resentments. Now my relationships with my family members are the best they have ever been.