Al-Anon Family GroupAl-Anon Family Group
The following articles from the August 2009 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum,
Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. For more articles, check The
Forum archive.
In Features (pp. 8-9)
In Al-Anon I have the freedom to be myself
By Anonymous, Washington
I came to Al-Anon 14 years ago, when my partner found sobriety. We met in highs chool, but our relationship did not start until college. Alcohol was present from the beginning of our 30-year relationship.
My partner was a musician. He worked in an environment where drugs and alcohol were prevalent. I also participated, but didn't have the disease of alcoholism.
I did not grow up in an alcoholic home. My parents were over protective; I learned to be a caretaker. Naturally, I found someone who needed mothering. I did it well.
My partner had been trying to convince me to move away from our home state. He was drinking quite a bit and had lost his job. I resisted moving because of strong family ties.
One day I stopped at my parent's house after work. My mother began the "when are you going to settle down and have a wife and kids" plea. I realized I was not going to be able to live my life in peace. I went home and agreed to move away. We chose the Pacific Northwest. Of course, it didn't stop the drinking. I found a good job quickly, but my partner didn't.
Once he was hospitalized after having an alcohol-related seizure. He was kept there for ten days, till the withdrawals stopped. No one ever mentioned Alcoholics Anonymous or drug and alcohol rehabilitation. I called crisis lines, but was always told there was nothing I could do to intervene because we weren't married or related.
I tried to control the situation. I did a lot of yelling. I poured out a lot of bottles. I left a lot of notes asking him not to buy a bottle that day. I didn't get very far. The final spiral was pretty rapid. Within a few months he was seriously ill. His doctor referred him to rehab.
He disappeared into that rehab center; I didn't heare anything from him for three days. We didn't know about information release forms. Because I wasn't legally connected to him, they wouldn't even acknowledge he was there.
When he was able to call me, he asked me to come to the family program offered by the treatment center and told me about Al-Anon, which I recognized it as a place where I could get help.
I was cautious about revealing my gender preference. I was careful in my use of pronouns. It wasn't too difficult at the beginning because I really didn't talk that much. But I listened. And I started making friends. I started coming out to people on an individual basis; few of them were ever surprised.
Finally I came out to my home group. They just smiled and hugged me. I went into service and worked my way to Area-level positions.
My gender preference has never been an obstacle. I became an Alateen Sponsor and am now the Alateen Process Person for my Area, responsible for certifying Alateen Sponsors and overseeing the Alateen Safety Guidelines.
Many Alateens in the group I sponsor have found Alateen a safe place to come out. I could help by sharing my own experience, strength, and hope.
Al-Anon truly is a place for everyone. The love and support I've received from this program has carried me through many difficult times. In Al-Anon I can be myself.
In Features (pp. 12-13)
Making sense of my life--after living with an alcoholic spouse
By Anonymous, Colorado
I saw my mom standing with her arm in the fridge, pouring herself a drink. She was trying to hide what she was pouring. I didn't understand why. I was about seven years old--too young to know what alcohol was. It was the first time I remember thinking something was not quite right in my family.
Once she came into the room where my little brother and I were playing, and angrily dumped the contents of the toy box on the floor. Then she yelled, "Clean up this mess. It's time for dinner!" My brother and I looked at each other silently. We knew that didn't make sense. We were a little afraid.
She walked into her first A.A. meeting when I was eight. She has been sober since.
Fast forward to another relationship in my life--with a man who drank heavily and used drugs. I was in my thirties and in love with a man who was accomplished, successful, highly respected, kind, and gentle to me. He was also drunk nearly every night, which quickly progressed into a stumbling, blackout, help-him-to-bed kind of drunk.
Something was fundamentally wrong. I was becoming frustrated, angry, and depressed. I was unable to cope with my own daily challenges.
My first thought was: "Why bother?" I didn't want to talk about his drinking, or hear other people complaining. What good would that do? It was not my problem anyway. He was the one who belonged in meetings.
Nevertheless, I went to a meeting, where I saw that the people I met did not spend time complaining about others, alcoholics or not. They listened compassionately when I shared just a bit.
The next meeting I opened up more, and had a good, unexpected, cry. I felt I was in a place where people understood. I even started to feel a little twinge of hope. I made it a point to check out different meetings, and found some that I really liked.
I've been in Al-Anon for a little over a year. After beginning to work the Twelve Steps, I have a relationship with a Sponsor that I would never have imagined. She knows my "take it to the grave secrets"--and loves me anyway. I trust her implicitly. I have a renewed relationship with my Higher Power.
My changed perspective has allowed me to recognize that I have choices. I am no longer frustrated. I am no longer trying to get someone else to get into A.A.
I have learned that my path is my busines, and others' paths are their business--and that we are all right where we are supposed to be. What a gift--to start living free of guilt, to be honest with myself and others, to learn what it means to "be gentle with myself"--to sleep better at night.
It's a freedom I never knew--to be able to focus on my life and to let the rest go. I am forever grateful to Al-Anon, I feel like I have been given back my life.
Today feels good and I am excited about the future. If it's this much better after one year, how great will it be after more?